9Spike E. Brances

There's something so depressing about only leaving the attic for 24 days a year. You would have thought that someone would have start RSPCT by now, but most trees who are in the open world don't understand. You hear some of them complain that they have shorter lives and that we should count ourselves lucky for living longer. However, when most of that life is spent next to boxes in a cold, dark attic, I'm not sure whether that's really a better quality of life at all.

This is when you consider that we trees could be used in other celebrations as well – Hallowe'en, for instance, which has just passed. What about hanging small lanterns on us instead of baubles, perhaps replace tinsel with strings of cobwebs? You could hang bats along our branches and have a witch or a zombie at the top of the tree. In Easter, you could easily hang Easter eggs instead of baubles, use daisy chains for tinsel and have chicks hanging on the branches, with a rabbit on top. It's frustrating when you humans don't think of how else we can be useful.

It's also rare that we ever move from our first spot. I've spent the past 17 years dreading being placed behind the door, because I get hit by it, or being placed by the window because then my braches get too warm in the sun. Don't even get me started on how it feels being placed too near the cat basket, him with his claws and evil eye staring at my lower branches. It wouldn't be too bad if every so often I was moved around, but invariably I spent the whole of my 24 period being stuck in the same place. It's irritating. If I could have one Christmas wish? It would be to not have to live in the attic for the rest of the year. Even being near the cat would be better than co-habiting with spiders.